


Guilt is the Disease

by tearsandschmaltz



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: M/M, Other, Suicide mention, addressing the dark!percy mentioned in HOH lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7195028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tearsandschmaltz/pseuds/tearsandschmaltz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will has had a long week of everyone intimidating him about dating Nico. So when Percy comes to talk to him, he expects to get another lecture about how he should be careful with Nico--instead, he finds himself comforting the son of Poseidon, who is struggling to come to terms with his own role in hurting Nico. Percy then goes to talk to Nico, but can Nico accept it's time to stop blaming himself (and Percy) for everything that's happened to him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forgiveness is the Cure

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter will center around one of the boys! I wanna stress that this is NOT a Percico story, though Nico's feelings for Percy are addressed. If you enjoy it, please comment and leave kudos!

            It had been a long week for Will Solace.

            At first it started out fine. He finally asked Nico to be his boyfriend on their fourth date (fifth, if you counted the time they walked across the beach by themselves). Nico said yes, they made out for a while, and Will was happy. But then the news spread that the two of them were together, and things started to…get strange.

            It was just Piper who came up to him the first time. Piper, who was usually smiling, was glaring at Will and had her arms crossed on her chest. She pointed a finger at him (it was very threatening) and whispered, “As the daughter of the goddess of love, I swear that if you hurt him, you will enter a whole world of pain and misfortune that you couldn’t ever imagine.”

            Will paled and his eyes widened. “Why would you think I want to hurt him? That’s not at all—”

            Piper put up her hand and shook her head. “Save it. I’ve got Cupid on speed dial.” She smiled sweetly and shook her head. “And I’m not bluffing.”

            She turned on her heel and walked away, smoothing down her Camp Half-Blood t-shirt and ruffling her hair. “But that’s not who I am! Piper!” Will called after her, but she was gone.

            Then the rest of the camp seemed to come to him in droves. Hazel, Jason, even Clarisse—all of them personally approached Will to warn him that should any harm befall Nico on his account, he would be either attacked, punished, or worse.

            Will couldn’t understand why everyone was so quick to assume that his intentions with Nico were to break his heart. Sure, Nico was a few years younger than him, but he really liked the son of Hades. He wondered if being the son of Apollo was contributing to the sudden warnings—Apollo hadn’t exactly made the best impression on most of the campers, and since he was the father of Octavian, he was especially unpopular. There was nothing he could do or say that would stop the campers from demonizing him, and it was frustrating.

            He never brought it up to Nico because whenever they talked about camp, he got uncomfortable. He had explained that he wasn’t popular in either Camp Half-Blood or Camp Jupiter; most people were afraid of him or tried to avoid him. Will found it hard to believe that everyone hated Nico—if they did, why were they so concerned about his relationship?

            After the barrage of threats and admonitions Will had received, he needed time alone. He took a walk down the beach and kicked at the sand, which only found its way into his flip flops and scratched his feet. Behind him, other campers were shouting and yelping as they leapt into the water and went swimming. Earlier this week, he might have tried to join them, but he couldn’t imagine going underwater and surfacing to someone grabbing him by the shoulders and telling him he had to be careful with Nico.

            Once the shrieks of the other campers had faded into background noise, Will sat down and leaned his head up against a rock. He let the sound of the waves and the breeze lull him into closing his eyes. The sand beneath him was warm from the sun, but because it was no longer afternoon, it wasn’t scalding hot. And he tried to empty his mind, but just like the waves kept climbing up the sand, snippets of the campers’ threats to him kept returning to him.

            His eyes flew open when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Percy Jackson standing above him, and he instantly blushed. First of all, Percy was attractive, but he was also incredibly intimidating and radiated an aura of power and togetherness that Will had yet to see from even Mr. D. Though Percy was older than Will, he was slightly shorter than him, but it hardly felt that way the few times they had come face to face. What was even funnier was that Nico and Percy had comparable power and skills, but Will only had the urge to protect one of them.

            “Mind if I sit?” Percy asked and shielded his eyes from the sun. As Will patted the sand next to him, he wondered what Percy was doing back at camp. It was September, and he wasn’t a year-round camper. Dread settled over him as he realized that Percy could be back to give him his own, personal warning against hurting Nico.

            Percy turned towards Will and scratched the back of his neck. “I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m about to lecture you about Nico, right?”

            Will nodded and swallowed. Gods, he didn’t think he could bear a lecture from Percy about his boyfriend. He leaned back against the rock and closed his eyes.

            “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I haven’t been getting a dozen Iris messages about you and Nico,” Percy stated. “I got an especially long one from Piper. You don’t need me to tell you not to hurt him and whatever else people have been telling you. But let me ask you this: what do you know about Nico?”

            Percy’s green eyes sparkled, and he leaned back against the rock next to Will. Will’s throat suddenly went dry as he tried to come up with a suitable answer to the question. “Nico is…shy. He doesn’t want to believe that people like them. He’s secretly a dork. And he’s very closed off.” Will touched his hand to his chin as he tried to think of more.

            Percy turned to face Will and looked him in the eyes. “If you had started with the fact that he’s the son of Hades, I was gonna give you a lecture. But clearly you’ve done a lot of thinking about him.”

            “Yeah.” Will blushed and looked away. He had done a lot of thinking and not a lot of talking about Nico. Because who of his siblings would have understood? They knew he was gay, but all of them had very different facets of being children of Apollo. Their sensitivities to feelings were…different. Ostentatious. Maybe that was why Will liked Nico so much—they both kept to themselves.

            “When I first met Nico, he was ten years old and thought all this stuff was…magic. It was just like his hero game, until it wasn’t,” Percy said. He closed his eyes for a moment and took in a breath. “It wasn’t when his sister died and it was my fault. He looked up to me, you know. It shattered him. That’s why there’s that huge crack in the ground near the dining pavilion.”

            Something dark clouded Percy’s face. Will couldn’t tell if he was remembering something, but he watched as the older boy clenched his fist and looked out across the sea.

            “Nico has been hurt and let down more than anyone I know. And no one has done it more to him than me,” Percy admitted. His voice grew quiet as he spoke. “I have made so many mistakes, and all of them have been at his expense. He trusted me and I…”

            Percy shook his head, and for the first time, Will saw Percy on a level he was unfamiliar with. He wasn’t the leader or hero in the way he had been the previous times they’d interacted. He was troubled. Now Will put his hand on Percy’s shoulder.

            “It’s okay,” Will said because he was unsure of what else to say. “He doesn’t…talk about it to me, if it helps you.”

            Percy chuckled, but his laugh came out like a gasp of air. “Nico would never share anything that personal. No offense to you, but like you said—he holds all of it in. Even with you, if he likes you as much as I’ve heard.” Will blushed at that.

            Will blinked and tried to recall if Nico _had_ ever mentioned Percy. Only that he had had a crush on Percy for a long time (which he instructed Will to never ask him about again), and that Percy was a dork. But all of the stuff about his sister—Will hadn’t ever heard him talk about Bianca or even say her name.

            Percy crossed his legs and ran his fingers through the sand. “Nico is…he has major abandonment issues, which I’m sure you know. But he’s irrational a lot, and he makes bad decisions sometimes. When he’s afraid, he’s like…a turtle. Except for if turtles summoned skeleton armies when they were scared.”

            “I know,” Will began. “I’ve seen it happen.”

            Percy turned to face him again. “My point in telling you this is that you can hurt Nico easily. But Nico can hurt you, too. And I don’t know if you’ve ever considered that.” Percy closed his eyes and frowned. “There’s a dark side to everyone, and with di Angelo, that dark side thrives on fear and selfishness. Not to mention the grudges.”

            “What do you mean?” Will asked. The way Percy was talking seemed like he had a story to tell. But when Percy would open his eyes every once in a while, they looked far away from the beach at camp. Will’s healer instincts were urging him to find the problem so he could cure it, but when it came to campers who had been on quests before, the problem was more of a tangled knot than a simple stomach ache.

            “When Nico is afraid, he looks to protect himself. When he’s angry, his powers can sometimes be…unmanageable for him. I think he thinks that shutting others out is the way to keep them—and himself—safe.” Percy angled his body so he could look at Will. His brows were drawn together, and his gaze was unwavering. “Caring about others too much is my fatal flaw. And I have really, really fucked it up with Nico on more than one occasion. I think you care about him, judging by the way you’ve been watching me this whole time. You have to be…cautious. For your sake and his.”

            Will looked across the horizon, where the sun was starting to set. “Everyone’s told me about how if I hurt him, they’ll hurt me. But the way he talks about them…they don’t know how _they’ve_ hurt _him_. And I really like Nico, and I can’t help but feeling like they’re trying to…I don’t know, scare me away or something.”

            Percy picked up a rock from the nearby sand and threw it over the water. “What Nico needs is someone gentle. And since you’re a healer, I bet you’ve got gentleness in spades.” He sucked in a breath of air. “Hurting Nico as many times as I have is…something difficult for me to accept that I’ve done. I’ve always been the golden boy, Will; even Zeus told me I did an okay job once. But Nico has suffered because of stuff that I’ve done. This last quest was not an easy one, because that was what I was confronting the whole time. Mistake after mistake.”

            Will had the urge to hug Percy, but he knew he shouldn’t. He wasn’t sure why Percy was rambling to him, but he had a feeling it was something he needed. So he sat and listened, because it was the right thing to do. He found his own rock and threw it out at the water, too.

            “Gods, his sister. He’ll never forgive me for it. I’ll never forgive myself for it. You can see it every time he looks at Hazel. He wishes she were Bianca. I was supposed to—”  
            “That’s not true.” Will was surprised that he said anything, but he knew Nico loved Hazel. He lit up when she came around, and he made no efforts towards concealing his smile when he saw her coming up Half-Blood Hill.

            “What?” Percy asked. He looked like he had just come out of a trance. “Will, come on. I’ve known Nico for longer. I _saw_ him when he was trying to trade—I mean bring her back. He missed her so much.”

            “Nico cares about Hazel. He talks about her more than I’ve ever heard him talk about Bianca. I think that maybe he’s learning how to forgive people. You included.”

            Percy’s head snapped back to face Will. “You don’t know that.”

            Will smiled in a way that he hoped was mysterious. “But I do. He is my boyfriend, after all.”

            Percy shook his head. “No. Nico holds grudges. It’s like, what he does. It was his sister’s fatal flaw.”

            Will picked up another rock from the sand and ran his fingers over its edges. “That doesn’t mean it’s his.”

            Percy also grabbed a rock, but he whipped it out across the water. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He whispered, “I’ve done so much wrong by him.”

            Will found a smooth face to the rock and stroked his thumb across it. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wondered what to say to that. He had to admit that of all the things he expected to happen today, comforting Percy Jackson was not one of them.

            “Don’t be like me,” Percy finally said. “Don’t let yourself fall onto the list of people who have let him down.”

            Will cleared his throat. “I think he…still likes you? As a friend, I mean. He doesn’t hate you.”

            Percy chuckled. His eyes crinkled at the corners, but he wasn’t smiling. Will reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “He doesn’t. You know that he doesn’t.”

            Nico mentioned Percy a few times on one of their dates. How he looked up to him (and would kill Will if he ever told him that). How he had a big tragic hero complex and a big heart. How he did hate him, sometimes, but anyone would feel that way if they had the same history. Will watched as Nico strained his voice and clenched his fists and talked himself hoarse explaining how it was complicated between him and Percy, but he was _trying_ to learn forgiveness.

            It was the most Nico had ever said to him in one sitting.

            Will sighed, scrubbing at his cheeks. “Listen, Percy. You know I’m a healer. I’ve learned to get good at reading people. I see how Nico’s power sometimes is…unstable. But I also see someone trying very, very hard to overcome what makes him unstable. Do you think a year ago he would have ever tried to get romantically involved with anyone?”

            Percy had his head in his hands and was shaking it back and forth. Will couldn’t tell if it was from agreement with what he said or if he really didn’t believe anything he was saying. He started to rub Percy’s back in circles like he did with some of the younger campers when they were sick.

            “Blame and guilt are illnesses I can’t cure,” Will said. “Nico is learning that. I think maybe you should too.”

            Reaching up his hand, Percy sat back up and stared out at the water. He brushed Will’s hand off and shook his head like he was trying to clear his vision. “That’s deep, dude.”

            “I try,” Will said. Percy was looking at him again, and a smile—though very small—had crossed his face again.

            “It’s my turn to get deep,” Percy said. “I’m gonna write this one down to tell Annabeth about later. Take care of his heart, Will. But don’t forget to be careful with your own.”

            An idea crossed into Will’s head, and he kicked a little sand Percy’s way. “You better not pull a Godlier-than-thou thing and get up and leave after dropping wisdom.”

            With a flick of his wrist, Percy splashed some water across Will. “Of course not. I’ll only leave after I’ve dropped wisdom _and_ showcased my badass powers.”

            For the first time all week, Will laughed a real, genuine laugh. He stood up and ran towards the water to splash Percy, but he was already walking away. He waved over his shoulder, and Will could see his shoulders sagging a little. That heroic swagger, which he was maybe imagining all along, was gone. Was this the Percy that Nico saw? The one who was tired, deflated, and capable of making mistakes?

            It was the Percy that was a real person, which Will was beginning to understand. Nico and Percy were, for the first time, seeing each other as other people, complex people who made mistakes and bad decisions. People who, just like Will, were trying to find a way to heal whatever was ailing them. Now _that_ was some deep shit.

            As he stood with the waves washing onto his feet, he wondered if it was something he should share with Nico or keep to himself.  What could he say? “I think I understand you better now because Percy came back to camp with the intention of verbally kicking my ass into not hurting you”?

            But it occurred to him that he had told Percy about Nico learning to forgive. And he had insisted to himself all along that he wanted to protect Nico because he cared about him, so telling him about the likely empty threats from the rest of the campers was out of the question. Nico had no idea any of them cared about him at all—and he had to learn to forgive sometime. Maybe sharing this moment with him was the best medicine Will could offer—it couldn’t cure guilt and blame, but maybe it could help abate it for a little while.


	2. A Step Towards Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his conversation with Will, Percy returns to Camp Half-Blood to talk to Nico. Of course, Nico doesn't want to talk; he just wants to fight.

            Percy had done a lot of thinking after his conversation with Will on the beach. It was a thought session he had been postponing ever since the war with Gaea. Admittedly, he had been busy with a number of fights and escaping hell, but nonetheless, he had really tried his best to put it off. Even Annabeth didn’t know about the retrospective view of his own life he had been forced to take after everything they had faced in Tartarus.

            That was another topic they had been pointedly never discussing. He knew Annabeth had night terrors about what happened—but that was all they seemed able to talk about. All of the curses inflicted on the two of them by the Arai. Gods forbid they ever breach how Percy had…fought Akhlys. Percy saw fear in Annabeth’s eyes—an event that wasn’t unusual—but for the first time, it was in fear of _him_.

            Many times in his life, he had asked himself _what have I done_? But never was that phrase followed with _to others_. It occurred to Percy as they climbed out of Tartarus and into the world of the living that his success had been at the expense of so many others. If his fatal flaw was caring too much for his friends, how could he have been so blind that he didn’t see how he had hurt them? The question nagged him and kept him awake at night. And as his friends at school wrote college essays, Percy wondered how he could have ever answered questions like “describe your most courageous moment” when faced with the fact that his courage had always torn down someone else.

            He had also wondered in one of those late-night ponderings whether any of the curses inflicted on him and Annabeth by the Arai could have come from Nico. It was stupid, and he still wasn’t entirely sure he understood how it was that the whole doling out curses thing worked, but as he looked out his window towards his fire escape, he was struck, again, by the fact that he had done someone wrong. Someone he cared about, albeit a difficult and angry someone.

            And as he continued to put off considering all of this, the Iris messages streamed in from camp, urging him to do _something_ about the situation with Nico and Will. All of the messages started with the same concerned statement: “I’m sure Will is a nice boy, but…” What the hell did they expect him to do? He wasn’t going to beat up Will or go give Nico a stern talk. He couldn’t understand where their sudden and intense concern was coming from; in fact, he was very happy for Nico and was, secretly, a little proud that the son of Hades had been able to be open about who he was with others.

            Oh, Gods, that crush. That was another thing that had caused a lot of suffering for Nico on Percy’s behalf. He had wanted to address it with Nico, not in the “did you _really_ have a crush on me for all that time?” way but in the way of understanding and compassion he knew that he had possessed once when he was twelve. He had gone back to Camp Half-Blood that weekend to try to talk to Nico, but he wasn’t sure what to say, so he found Will instead.

            Most unexpected of that day was the fact that Will had actually _comforted_ Percy in a way that reminded him of the way his mom used to help him (which was also incredibly strange). He knew he had to talk to Nico. He knew that talking about everything he had done could help him start to fall asleep again. Will, in his kind, gentle way, had reminded Percy of the urgency that came with releasing guilt.

            So he went to camp the next weekend to find Nico. He had a pit in his stomach worse than he did when he fought Ares years ago. Ares was an arrogant show-off; Nico was a friend—or so he thought. Maybe Nico didn’t think of him as a friend at all. Percy couldn’t have blamed him for that.

            Will had directed Percy to the arena, which was where Nico was training, according to him. He had looked like he wanted to say something to Percy to caution him, but he held his tongue, so Percy found himself standing in the doorway of the huge arena where Nico was slashing through straw dummy after straw dummy.

            Before Percy could think of the most casual and least uncomfortable way to announce his presence, Nico turned to face him after he had sliced the head off of one of the dummies. “Do you need something?” he asked. “Why are you here? Don’t you have high school or something?”

            Percy walked in and sat down on one of the benches. “Not today I don’t. It’s the weekend.”

            Nico stared at Percy for a couple of seconds, his face in its usual flat, annoyed expression. His cheeks reddened and he stabbed the dummy in front of him in the heart. “Why are you here? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

            “Look, Nico…” Percy began. His chest felt strangely tight, like his shirt was the size of the one he wore five years ago. How could he phrase this without Nico totally shutting down the conversation?

            Before he could decide, Nico tossed the straw dummy to the side and moved on to the next one. “I wasn’t kidding. I’m busy. Please go.”

            “I want to talk,” Percy blurted, then fought the urge to put his head into his hands. “Nico, I _need_ to talk to you.”

            Nico blinked a few times; he was caught off guard, because for a second—only a second—he stopped glaring and cocked his head in confusion. But as soon as that moment was over, he was back to hacking up the straw dummies.

            “I told you I’m busy,” Nico said. “Go away.”

            “It kind of can’t wait,” Percy admitted and stood up. He walked over to Nico and pushed the straw dummy aside. “You don’t understand—”

            “No, you don’t understand!” Nico snapped, swiping his sword down at his side. “I told you! I am _busy_! Leave me alone!”

            Percy reached into his pocket and pulled out Riptide. “How about this? Since your training is apparently _so_ important to you, fight me. If I beat you, we talk.”

            Nico shook his head, but he tightened his grip around the hilt of his sword. “That’s not a fair deal. I don’t get anything out of it.”

            As Percy uncapped Riptide, he stated, “Sometimes that’s just how the world works, di Angelo.”

            And as soon as he had stepped back, Nico was slashing at him. It occurred to Percy neither of them were wearing armor, so he wasn’t sure how hard to fight Nico. But Nico was already lunging at him like they were wearing padded marshmallow suits, so he started to swing back.

            He didn’t want to fight, and in fact, he was very tired of fighting. Riptide felt heavy in his hands, and his parries and jabs were sloppy at best. Drawing nearer, Nico sweated and had a face filled with such anger that it occurred to Percy to be afraid.

            Nico caught the shoulder of Percy’s shirt with his sword and ripped a hole in it. His dark eyes reminded Percy of Annabeth’s when she was moody; he had to hand it to Nico, he was a relentless fighter. Percy swung and his blade met Nico’s, and even though he didn’t want to, he pushed back against the locked metal hard, causing Nico to tumble to the ground.

            Nico grunted in anger and stumbled when he got to his feet. “What do you want from me?!” he yelled. His face was red and his chest was heaving. His moves became as sloppy as Percy’s as he fought to push him back to the corner of the arena.

            How many times had Nico been angry like this because of Percy? He watched, mystified, as he saw how furious Nico was letting himself get—the ground was already rumbling beneath his feet. Percy wished he knew how to stop it, the weight of guilt setting in on him again, heavy as the weight of the world when he shouldered it after Annabeth. As Nico charged him, Percy stood still, unable to do anything but raise his arms to block his face.

            “This is ridiculous, man,” Percy stated. “Why won’t you let me talk to you?”

            The ground stopped shuddering, and Nico shook his head like he had water in his ears. “Why? You’re asking me why?”

            Percy nodded. “I’m not trying to be condescending or hurt you. Nico, you have to believe that much about me.”

            Nico stood and stared at Percy. Were those—tears? No, no, this was all wrong. Nico was crying! Gods damn it, this was the exact opposite of what Percy wanted!

            “I believed a lot of things about you,” Nico said. “Now I know better.” He ran at one of the straw dummies that was still hanging and slashed at it.

            “Did you ever believe I was sorry?” Percy challenged. He held Riptide in front of him in case Nico decided to charge him again. “Didn’t Bianca tell you not to hold grudges? I know she did, Nico. She cared about you and—”

            “SHUT UP!” Nico roared and decapitated the straw dummy. He wouldn’t turn to face Percy, but his shoulders were heaving. “What do _you_ know about her?! Sorry my ass, Jackson!”

            Inside his head, Percy began counting to ten to try not to yell. But at four, he gave up and started to walk towards Nico. “I have never been sorrier about anything in my entire life.” Percy dropped Riptide and put his hands up. “Go ahead, Nico. You can fight me. I’m not gonna fight back, if that’s what it takes for you to believe me.”

            He had dreams about Bianca. She appeared to him as a ghost, and she was always trying to ask him something. She reached out her wispy hands to grab him by the shoulders, but she disappeared the second she uttered the word “please”. Whatever she wanted, it always seemed urgent. Percy had tried to ignore it. Gods, did he ever. Because what does a thirteen year old boy know about saying sorry? About facing himself?

            Nico turned around and wiped his eyes with his taped up hands, which were dirty and now wet from tears. He raised his sword and started to approach Percy. “I…trusted…you…” Nico said through hiccups of breath. “She was all I ever had! And you _took her from me_!”

            Every time Nico got close to Percy, he would turn around and slash at something in the air, but never at Percy. In true child of Hades fashion, he was quickly spiraling out of control. Percy knew he had to do something, but he wasn’t sure what.

            So he sat down. He sat down and put his head in his hands like a little boy because he felt there was nothing else for him to do. “I know I did,” Percy whispered. “I _know_ it was all my fault. Do you know what I saw in Tartarus, Nico? Do you know what I had to confront? Come on, take a guess. You’ve been there.”

            Nico hacked away the limbs of the straw dummy one by one and tried to catch his breath. His breathing was ragged, and he still kept reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “You could never understand what it was like for me to lose her,” he started. His voice grew hoarse. “She was the _only_ person who would have understood and she—she never knew.”

            Percy’s head snapped up, and he blinked a few times. He opened his mouth to say something, but Nico cut him off with the decapitation of another straw dummy and a continuation of what he meant. “She never knew…about _me_. I wanted to tell her and you took that from me.” Now he was whispering. “You’ve taken so much from me.”

            “You wanted to tell her?” Percy asked in amazement. Actually, it shouldn’t have been so surprising, because he knew Nico and Bianca were so close. “You wanted to tell her you were gay and that you had a crush on me?”

            Nico’s hands turned white and shook from how hard he was gripping his sword. He charged at the next line of straw dummies hanging up in the air, panting as he continued to talk. “Don’t make me talk about this,” he yelled. “Don’t make me do this!”

            Percy struggled to stand up and staggered towards Nico. “I’m not making you do anything, Nico. Come on.”

            He was right behind Nico when he slashed through yet another straw dummy. Suddenly, he whirled around to face Percy, standing on his tiptoes to get his face closer.

            “You told me you would keep her safe!” Nico shouted, and he put his hands on Percy’s shoulders and shoved him. “And I believed you! I _trusted_ you! Time and time again, even when you wouldn’t give me the time of day! You shut me out, and because everyone else believed in you like _I_ believed in you, the rest of the world did too!”

            Percy stood back with his hands up, his eyes filling with tears. He tried to blink them away, but they wouldn’t stop coming, a few running down his cheeks. There was a lump in his throat. This was it. What he needed to hear for so long, what he failed to recognize for years. With dread, he understood that Nico had been nothing more but an asset to him, even though he considered him a friend. That was all he ever talked to him for or ever needed him for. The River Styx. Fighting against Kronos. Even on the last quest, he had just been another tool for the Seven to use.

            “If you could understand,” Nico began with a hoarse voice, “how much you made me hate myself. _You_.”

            Percy dropped his hands and tried to regain some composure in his voice. “I can’t even imagine,” he replied. “Nico, I realize that I…I used you even though I considered you one of my friends. That’s not fair. And everything that happened with Bianca will always be on my hands and on my mind.”

            Nico shook his head and stared at the ground. “Did you come here to just tell me facts so you could feel better about yourself?”

            Percy wasn’t sure what to do or to say as he watched Nico turn away and shake with silent tears. His hand twitched at his side as he struggled to decide whether or not to put a hand on Nico’s shoulders. “I want to tell you something Will told me,” he said.

            Spinning around, Nico demanded, “You’ve been talking to Will, too?! Great. Just great.” He threw his hands up in the air, and his sword clattered to his side.

            “Will told me blame and guilt are like diseases,” Percy said and took a few steps closer to Nico. “They’re diseases with no cure, except for forgiveness.”

            “What, are you going to my b—” Nico cut himself off. He grimaced like he was afraid of saying the word. “You’re going to my…Will…for therapy appointments or something?”

            Percy took a step closer and grabbed Nico’s wrist. “Maybe you don’t ever want to forgive me for what happened with Bianca. But everything else…look at how much it’s affecting you.” He waved a hand through the air at the decimated straw dummies that were scattered across the floor. “I don’t want you to forgive me for my sake. I want you to forgive me for your sake.”

            With a sniffle, Nico ripped his hand from Percy’s grip. “I can’t think about this right now. I can’t do this.”

            “Yes you can!” Percy shouted, and without meaning to, he shoved Nico a little. “You can’t keep avoiding this! You can’t even call Will your boyfriend! I bet that has something to do with me too, right? Right?!”

            Suddenly, Nico whirled around and punched Percy in the face. Though he was trembling so much that he lost a lot of power in his punch, it still hurt Percy so much that he staggered backwards. Nico recoiled in horror and stared down at his fist like it had acted independently of him.

            Rubbing his jaw, Percy smiled a little bit at Nico. “You’ve wanted to do that for a long time.”

            Nico fell to his knees and put his hands on the ground in front of him. His whole body shook, and he didn’t disguise the fact that he was crying. “You made me hate myself,” he whispered, then started to yell. “I never knew I was different until I met you! I could’ve gone my whole life not knowing about…what I am! You made me so…so _ostracized_ from everyone we knew, after all the help I’d given you!”

            Percy blinked a few times and tried to register everything Nico was saying. There was more hurt than he had initially thought. As he watched Nico struggle to stand and catch his breath, he wondered if this had been a good idea at all. Again, the question of “what have I done?” popped into his mind. Nico was right. He _was_ only here for himself, not for Nico’s sake.

            Now it was finally time to help Nico. Percy walked over and knelt by his side, putting a hand on his back. “But look at you now,” he whispered. “You have Will. You have Hazel. You’re one of the most powerful demigods that are alive right now. Sometimes it’s the small things that can make a lot of suffering seem worthwhile.”

            Nico’s whole body shook under Percy’s hand. He reached up his other one to rub his sore jaw. Nico turned to face him, brushing his hand off. “Why didn’t you trust me?” A few tears leaked out of his eyes and he made a noise of disgust. “What did I ever do to you?”

            “Well, you did try to kill me to bring back your sister,” Percy said, then realized that might have been inappropriate in this situation. “Actually, Nico, that was it. You’ve done nothing but help me. No matter what, you’ve been loyal to all of us at Camp Half-Blood, even though we’ve treated you like shit.”

            “You don’t know what it was like when I understood how…how I felt,” Nico whispered. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “The only person I could have talked to was Bianca. And then she…chose rebirth. I _hated_ myself, Percy.”

            Percy listened to the way Nico emphasized his words, and the very awful possibility that Nico had, perhaps, at some point, wanted to kill himself occurred to him. And without thinking about it, he reached over and hugged Nico. He jolted with shock in Percy’s arms, his whole body rigid. But after a few moments, his hands reached up and held on to where Percy’s were locked in front of him.

            “Don’t let it eat you alive,” Percy said. “Please. Do that much for yourself. I am so, so sorry.”

            He felt drops of tears fall onto his skin as Nico shuddered. “Did Will really say that? About forgiveness?” he whispered.

            “Of course he did,” Percy replied. “He’s very sensitive. You made a good choice, you know.”

            “The worst part of this is that I never stopped believing in you,” Nico said hoarsely. “Not for one second.”

            Percy pulled away then stood up. He offered Nico his hand, which he took. Nico dropped it as soon as he was helped to his feet and stared at Percy’s face. “I’m sorry I punched you,” he admitted through gritted teeth.

            Percy shrugged. “It happens.”

            “I am not going to promise anything about forgiving you,” Nico stated as he reached down for his sword. “But I’ll work on it.”

            A warm feeling spread through Percy’s body—relief. His head and jaw throbbed, but he couldn’t help smiling. Maybe this had never been about him and relieving his own guilt, but helping Nico to understand his own. Even though it had nearly caused him to raise some skeletons from the dead, Nico seemed to be breathing easier now.

            “I had to face a lot of the bad things I’ve done when I was in Tartarus,” Percy said, “and the way that I’ve treated you was one of them. I don’t think my vocabulary is big enough to really apologize to you; and anyway, Annabeth’s always been the one better at words. But I owe my life to you, Nico.”

            Nico blinked in surprise and shook his head. “No you don’t. It’s always been you, Percy.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re disgustingly heroic.”

            “You kept your promise and got us at the Doors of Death. You’ve always fought on my side, even when you maybe wanted to be as far away from me as possible.” Percy smiled again and offered his hand to shake. “You’re good, Nico di Angelo. I don’t know if Bianca or anyone else has ever told you that.”

            A blush spread across Nico’s face as he looked at the ground. Percy felt awkward with his hand just hanging out there until Nico launched himself at Percy and wrapped him in a tight hug. He had to stand on his tiptoes for his arms to reach Percy’s shoulders.

            “Don’t ever tell anyone this happened,” he said into Percy’s shirt, which made Percy laugh. “I’m serious. I have a reputation, you know.”

            Percy pulled away and put his hands on Nico’s shoulders so he could look him in the eyes. “I’m working on myself. And I’m figuring out the past. I have to learn to forgive myself too. It’s okay to let go.”

            Nico shrugged off his hands and turned away. “Alright, enough of this. I have to clean up in here.”

            He knew better than to try to continue the conversation. Nico’s eyes had filled up with tears again as he said that last part, so he grabbed Riptide and started towards the exit of the arena. As he hovered in the doorway before walking out, he cast a glance over at Nico, who was presumably looking at his own reflection in his sword.

            It would be naïve to hope that everything that had happened would magically make Nico frolic among meadows and sing about how happy he was. But Percy had to hold on to the hope that it had somehow made things better—for both of their sakes.

            Forgiveness was a strange thing. He wasn’t sure if he had come in looking more for Nico to forgive him or to help Nico learn to forgive. If he had wanted to think the best of himself, he would have said he had really come to help Nico. But that wasn’t true at all. He was not the person he thought he was before he entered Tartarus, and he could never be that person again.

            He walked across the grounds at Camp Half-Blood towards Half-Blood Hill. Maybe he would always harbor guilt about everything he’d ever done in his life, despite how unproductive that seemed to be. He turned and looked over his shoulder once he’d reached Thalia’s tree. The Athena Parthenos glowed in the distance, and campers ran across the field towards the dining ground. He had been like that once, he knew. Of course he could never go back to being that way.

            But some of the guilt he had come into camp with had been lifted off his shoulders. Percy felt like he could straighten his spine for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t perfect; nothing would ever be. But it was better. It was healing.


	3. The Choice to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico attempts to deal with everything that happened between him and Percy without completely breaking down in front of Will. But if confronting the truth wasn't anxiety-inducing enough, admitting it out loud is even worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because we don't know how old Nico really is, I settled on making him fifteen here.

            Nico’s knuckles were still sore and inflamed from when he punched Percy Jackson straight on the jaw. Honestly, he hadn’t been expecting to do that. He hadn’t been expecting to see Percy at all, which was how he made it through most days. Even when he was certain he was in love with Percy, the sight of him made him sick to his stomach.

            Now, though, he sat with his head in Will’s lap, his swollen knuckles being massaged by his… _boyfriend’s_ gentle hands. And he didn’t feel like throwing up every time he saw him. In fact, his normally frigid body warmed up when he and Will were together. He closed his eyes and let Will run his hands through his hair, which he always pretended to hate but really loved.

            Seeing Percy had reminded him of the easily toppling fallacy his life had been built around. Of the two in their relationship, Will was the picture of out and proud, whereas Nico was…well, he was resigned to the shadows like he always was. He had really tricked himself into believing that all of this was fine, that he could call himself gay without feeling like he was going to have a panic attack, but he still couldn’t bring himself to say Will was his boyfriend. The word tasted like bile in his mouth every damn time it came up. Every single damn time. He couldn’t even validate his own relationship, which was the most important thing in his life at the moment and quite possibly one of the best things to have ever happened to him.

            “What are you thinking about?” Will asked as he traced his finger down Nico’s jawline, which raised goosebumps on his arms. Nico had told Will, in the least amount of detail possible, what had happened with Percy, because he was embarrassed that it had happened at all and that he had let himself stoop to the same level of emotional stability he had when he was ten years old.

            “How Percy’s stupid jaw wrecked my fingers forever,” he whined playfully, hoping Will hadn’t noticed that he was so deep in thought that he was wincing. Of course, he noticed. He always did.

            “Yes, I am your doctor, and I must say…” Will took in a deep and exaggerated sigh. “There is _no_ chance of your fingers ever healing.”

            Nico appreciated how Will knew when to push him and when to leave him alone. He needed to collect his thoughts on everything that had happened with Percy before he could even begin to explain his own internalized homophobia, which Rachel had lectured him about for _hours_.

            He turned his head so he could see his knuckles better. What was Percy thinking? What was _he_ thinking? There was still a pit of bitterness churning in his stomach over…well, everything. Percy just walking in and expecting forgiveness, his glib way of talking about Nico’s homosexuality, and of course, everything with Bianca, which was like a throbbing ulcer that could never be removed. If he were to describe things as melodramatically as he knew he could, when he closed his eyes, he could see his life as fissured as the ground he raised skeletons from. His tiny, ten year old body staring back at his fifteen year old self over enormous cracks in muddy earth, his own face painted with horror. That’s what Percy did to him.

            That’s what he always did to him. Despite years of attempts to forget, Nico could remember the first time he realized he was… _that way_. Gods, what an embarrassing way to describe anything, and yet he had no other words he felt comfortable saying. That time he saw Percy fighting Dr. Thorn in the snowy air, despite the cold, his sword drawn and ready. He looked just like the heroes in the thousands of games Nico had just wasted sixty or so years on in the Lotus Casino. When Nico went to bed that night, all he could imagine was Percy swooping him up and holding him, and when he saw him shirtless in his dreams he thought, _well, everyone has these dreams_. Until he got to Camp Half-Blood, where, as far as he was concerned, all he could see was one heterosexual coupling after another. Until he remembered the world he came from, where loyal housewives waited for their soldiers to return from war—not soldiers waiting for soldiers to pick each other up and see each other shirtless. And then Bianca left, and being worried became his main preoccupation. It had never occurred to him to have just _asked_ someone about what it all meant, because the only someone he had ever needed—had ever _learned_ to need—was Bianca.

            “Nico,” Will whispered, “I know you don’t like to talk about…anything personal most of the time, but I think it might help you to talk about…you know. All this.” He wrapped his arms around Nico, the most awkward yet most comfortable version of a hug that you could have when one person was curled up on their side.

            Nico could feel that familiar lump rising in his throat that got there when he was nervous beyond explanation. He wanted to pound his fist on the ground next to him, but he was trying to work on his frustration. In his opinion, he looked like Charlie Brown when he got the football pulled out from underneath him whenever this happened. Disgust flooded through him; his own inability to speak to anyone—who was to blame? It had always been Percy for so many years, but now he had to wonder…

            “Will, how did you know you were…” Nico cleared his throat. “Ah…you know.”

            Will’s huge hands wrapped around Nico’s smaller ones, and he lowered his face to Nico’s ear. “I’ll only tell you if you say it. _Out loud_.”

            Nico looked up at his boyfriend. “Why did you say that so dramatically?”

            “You didn’t get the reference?”

            Nico shook his head and closed his eyes. “I told you, the last movie I saw was made in the 1940s. If it even is a movie reference. Is it…does it come from the internet?”

            When Will laughed, he squinted his eyes shut and flashed a huge smile, his white teeth beaming against his tan skin. “Alright, I’ll have to show that to you later, I guess. But come on, you have to say it.”

            Nico gritted his teeth. “…homosexual.” His cheeks burned red as he said it. Again frustration overcame him. It shouldn’t be a dirty word. This was all Percy’s—

            But Percy hadn’t made him this way. Percy had just made him realize it. Maybe he would have been better off never having met Percy, not just because of Bianca, but because he could have gone as long as he would have liked ignoring this…issue.

            Will waggled a finger playfully then ruffled Nico’s hair. “We’ll work on it,” he said with a chuckle. “Well, Nico, I knew I was gay the first time I saw you.”

            Nico slapped Will’s arm and buried his face in his shoulder so he wouldn’t see his smile. “Be serious, please,” he said, “this is very important.”

            “Alright, alright.” Will put his hands up in mock surrender. “You know, if you find me funny, you don’t have to hide it. It _wounds_ me.” He then draped a hand across his chest and leaned back.

            Nico sat up to face him. “What will I do? You’re my doctor. I don’t know how to heal you.”

            Will wrapped his arms around Nico’s waist, and he felt his heart jump and stutter as Will drew closer. “Oh, you know how,” Will said, which Nico knew was flirting and which he _enjoyed_ when Will decided to use it. But there was that part of him, that awful part of him that Percy Jackson had created and so steadily enforced, that couldn’t hide the shame on his face.

            He couldn’t disguise it when Will leaned over and kissed him feather soft on the lips, his thumb stroking Nico’s cheek. When he pulled away, he saw Nico’s face, and as he watched his… _boyfriend’s_ face soon turn to confusion, Nico wished they were among the shadows so he could just disappear.

            “Will…” he began. He wrapped his arms around his midsection and looked down. That lump in his throat was back. His mind scrambled to find the words he needed, like it so often did in every social situation.

            “I don’t get it!” Will said so loudly that Nico was startled out of his thoughts. “I’m sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you jump.”

            Will reached out a hand to touch Nico’s arm, and though those hands were often the best thing Nico had touched, he winced when it met his skin.

            “It’s not you,” Nico whispered. “Will, you’re the best—the best thing—”

            There was that godsdamned lump again! He felt like he was going to throw up and put his head in his hands. Air. He needed air. He sucked it in and was even more embarrassed. He was glad his hair was hiding his eyes so Will couldn’t see that he was about to cry. His ten year old self—rash, excitable—was still around and well, poking at the fissure to see what would happen.

            Will pulled his hands back and had pulled his knees to his chest. “Nico?” His voice shook. “Nico, are you okay?”

            Finally, Nico couldn’t stand it and let himself pound a fist melodramatically on the ground like he had been wanting to all day. He let out a grunt of frustration. “I hate it when I do this too!” he yelled, then tried to lower his voice. “You don’t think I _hate this_ about myself?”

            Wiping at his nose, he peered up at Will, who was staring at him with wide eyes. His hands were twitching at his sides; Nico knew he wanted to help heal him, but what could he do? Panic attacks were not treatable, at least in his experience.

            “And now I’ve—I’ve made you look so…” Nico again slammed a fist in the grass and turned away from Will. “You shouldn’t be…involved with me. This is what I do.”

            Will scooted closer to him, and Nico could feel the heat from his hands hovering above his back, afraid to find a resting place there. “Does this have something to do with what Percy said?” Will asked. When Nico didn’t respond at all, he prompted him again. “Nico, _what did he tell you_?”

            “It’s nothing he _told_ me! It’s just the way he…he _made_ me!” And there were the tears—the second time in far too short of a period—and the choking sounds of breathing as he tried to calm down in every single way he had taught himself. This—this he knew how to do. All those years alone without Bianca meant he had to figure out how to calm the fuck down when he was freaking out. Which was why he disappeared and ran whenever he got emotional. This was humiliating. Will probably thought he was the loser that he actually was when he saw him just…completely melting down.

            His skin was prickling, and he both craved and couldn’t stand the thought of Will’s touch. He could manage physical contact sometimes. Most of the time with Will, which was a real wonder for him. But not right now. No, Will’s kind touch would have been unimaginable. Unfair to him, the one with the kindest and softest hands in the entire camp.

            “I wish I knew how to help you figure this out.” Will swallowed loudly behind him, and his hands withdrew from the vicinity of Nico’s back. “But I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. Maybe it’s none of my business.”

            With an enormous pit of fear churning in his stomach, Nico turned himself to face Will, his fingers clawing at the grass like he was about to melt right into it. “I’m not used to someone caring,” Nico admitted. “Not since Bianca died. I don’t know if I…if I know how to share things anymore.”

            Will wrung his hands but didn’t break his gaze with Nico. “I’m not going to force you to tell.” He looked down at the ground. “That wouldn’t be fair.”

            The lump rose again in his throat, and Nico watched as Will hunched his shoulders and closed his eyes. With a start, Nico withdrew his hand from the ground. Will thought he had _failed_. All he wanted to do was help, and he was being denied that ability. And it was all because of him.

            He couldn’t let this happen. As he began to get dizzy from his uneven breathing, Percy’s words echoed in his head: “You’re good, Nico di Angelo.” If someone like Percy thought he was good, then how could he let someone as good as Will get hurt? No, he could not, not to the most important thing in his life, not to his most important person. Nico’s chest restricted. His fists clenched and unclenched at his side. Before he could say anything, he knew he had to count to calm down and get rid of the lump.

            One. Two. Bianca had never really known, but what would she have said? Did it matter now? He would now spend more years living without her than living with her, if you didn’t count the years in the Lotus Casino. What value did someone who abandoned him have to him? And with another jolt, it occurred to him that he couldn’t fault her. She got the urge to disappear just like him. Never—not when he had summoned her, not when he had wanted to trade anyone’s life for her to come back—had it occurred to him that Bianca’s life was never his to keep or to guard.

            Three. Four. That wall he built inside, the one that was around the fissure of himself (another melodramatic term, if he was being honest), had to come down. But how could he ever put hatred into words? Not just hatred, but years of it, for yourself and everyone around you. But his sit-ins on judgement sessions in the Underworld had taught him that hatred is born of fear. What was he afraid of? He was afraid of hurting Will, and he had already done it.

            Five. Six. He was afraid of Percy Jackson. He knew it as he had sauntered into the arena demanding a fight. Afraid of him because he forced him to confront himself, over and over and over again. Disliked, untrusted, feared, no place to belong—Percy was always the opposite of that. How could he have fathomed what it was like for Nico when he had never been exiled from every place on heaven and earth, his own father’s realm? And Percy had said he was sorry. He didn’t know how powerful he was, what sway he held over everyone, including Nico. Still, as much as he hated to admit it, he blushed when he saw Percy and at the thought of him _seeing_ him, or seeing through him.

            Seven. Eight. And of course the worst fear of all that Percy had made Nico realize: he was gay. That was the word. Not homosexual, or queer, or even faggot. From the moment he had met Percy, Nico was destined to have been set apart by being the antithesis to Percy, a fact that Percy had made him understand. For years, Nico could only sleep at night by reasoning that his constant solitude rested solely in Percy’s hands. But as he heard Will taking in shaky breaths, he realized that was untrue. He could’ve made an effort to connect with others, but every time he just disappeared and faded into the shadows. And when his fear got the best of him, his powers got out of control. The great and admirable Percy Jackson had certainly never vaporized someone into a ghost out of sheer anger.

            Nine. Ten. Nico couldn’t do that now; he wouldn’t _let_ himself do that now. Will was—and he was aware what a dangerous way this was to think—the best thing he had in his life. The reason he woke up in the morning, because for so many years there had been nothing more to greet him than anxiety and hatred and just…constant gray. Will cared about him, and he felt like he could understand himself better the more often he found himself by Will’s side. No one else had ever looked at Nico with adoration. It was the same kind of look he had given to Percy Jackson. But Will’s feelings never seemed to be conditional. Sure, he sometimes was smothering in his overwhelming desire to help, but who could fault him for that?

            Nico squeezed his eyes shut because he thought he heard Will crying. He listened to the rustling of the forest in the distance before taking in a big breath. Percy had exacerbated Nico’s worst qualities, but Nico had enforced them. It was time to stop—well, maybe not all the way. That seemed impossible for his heart to handle. But he had to let someone in.

            “When I was growing up,” Nico began, his voice already hoarse, “the only couples I ever saw were a man and a woman. It never…even crossed my mind that there was anything else. But then, years later, I met stupid Percy Jackson, who had a hero’s smile and had saved me and my sister. And then I realized I was…different. At a time when I was becoming more different than anyone Bianca and I had ever known.”

            Fighting back the lump and the urge to run was almost as exhausting as summoning an army of skeletons. Nico drew himself closer to Will like he was approaching a deer, but he couldn’t tell if, within that comparison, he was the one more scared. “And then she left me too. She chose rebirth and left me behind. I blamed Percy. He had let me down, but he was all I could think about. Nowhere in the world wanted me. That much I do know.”

            Will finally lifted his eyes from the ground, his lips parted like he wanted to speak, but Nico held up a hand to stop him. He sucked in another breath of air. “He spent years telling me how powerful I was. How _great_ I was. You know, his fatal flaw is caring too much about his friends, and he certainly made me feel like a friend he cared about. I helped him, and then he would rescind that trust from me and make everyone else suspicious of me. So then I _really_ had nowhere to go.”

            Nico set his hand on the ground and counted to five in his mind when he felt a hand on his. He and Will locked eyes, and he didn’t want to say the next part, but he did it anyway. The words pushed past the lump for the first time in so many years. “I thought it was my fault that I was just…wandering. Because I was gay. I was weird and an outcast and nobody wanted me around. And then I…accidentally found myself in Tartarus. Don’t ask me how. But when you’re there, you confront…everything. Everything you’ve ever done.”

            Will’s fingers tightened around Nico’s hand, and Nico closed his eyes. That familiar warmth and touch—he couldn’t let himself lose it. Never. “I was confronted with how much I hated myself. And him. But the difference later was that I stopped hating Percy. But me?” He shook his head. “I think I am…very broken, Will. I know you want to fix me, but that’s not your job.”

            With tears escaping from his squinted eyes, Nico admitted to himself, “I think it’s my job. I have to learn…how to look at myself the way you look at me.”

            And without a second thought, he launched himself at Will, burying his face in Will’s shoulders. His strong, warm arms wrapped around Nico and pulled him so close that Nico was practically on his lap (which, in most situations, would have made him blush redder than Rachel’s hair).

            Will rubbed his hands along Nico’s back, eventually finding their way to smooth down Nico’s hair and wipe the tears from his eyes. Nico counted again in his head, up and down from ten, to make sure he didn’t panic about how much he had just overshared. But Will’s soothing touch helped. He could feel the restrictions in his chest loosen, if only a little, and he wondered if that had happened because he had let himself be honest.

            “It is very, very hard for me to tell what aspects of me have resulted from the choices Percy has made and from the choices I have made.” Nico pulled his head away from Will’s shoulder and reached up one of his hands to cup Will’s face like his boyfriend had done so often to him. “But right now, I choose this. And I know that decision is all me.”

            Now it was his turn to lean in and kiss Will, which made his stomach flutter. Admittedly, the disgust was still there, but he knew that would take time to heal. This time he let it last for longer than a few minutes, and of course he liked it. That part he had never doubted. Will’s kisses were as gentle as his hands were when he had to sew someone’s limbs back onto their bodies, an occurrence that had happened not enough to say it was a regularity but enough that it was beyond a coincidence.

            Now it was Will’s turn to hold Nico’s face in his hands again. He smiled and wiped an eyelash off of his cheek, which had probably found its way there from the embarrassing amount of tears Nico had shed. “Thank you for telling me,” Will said. “I know that must have been hard.”

            And while Nico normally would have deflected with sarcasm, he reached his own hands up to hold Will’s face. “You don’t know the half of it,” he admitted. And he found himself laughing, really laughing, for the first time in weeks.

            Will laughed too, and as they giggled together, he leaned in and kissed Nico again. He peppered kisses across Nico’s face until the son of Hades was laughing from how much it tickled. Nico let himself roll back onto the grass, and Will soon lay down next to him, their hands intertwined in the space between their bodies.

            “You never told me the story.” Nico turned slightly to face Will again. “I’m so eager to hear about how my boyfriend realized he was gay.”

            Nico’s stomach still dropped at saying boyfriend. But he could say it. He _actually_ said it! He let himself smile, and the muscles all across his face relaxed. He didn’t even know he was tensing them up.

            “It was a dark and stormy night,” Will said, doing a terrible impression of a British accent.

            “First of all, that was terrible. Second of all, be serious.” Nico closed his eyes and felt the sun heat his face. “I can’t be the only one getting personal. I don’t think I can handle it.”

            “Nico, really, it was a dark and stormy night,” Will insisted. “So dark and stormy, in fact, that I thought I had some privacy in my house.”

            “Alright, liar, I can see where this is going.” But Nico laughed. This was what he had missed for years because he thought Percy had changed the way everyone saw him. All those years he pushed the other campers away, and for what?

            If he hadn’t, though, and he hadn’t ended up here with Will, it wouldn’t have been worth it. Not at all.

            “So little ten year old Will is creeping down the stairs to the basement, where he has hidden some surf magazines,” Will said with a flourish. “And in those surf magazines are some suntanned, soaking wet studs.”

            “Will, please,” Nico said with a groan. “I’m embarrassed on your behalf.”

            “What, you didn’t have a stash of secret stud magazines that weren’t really stud magazines at all, just regular old advertisements to buy products?” Will sat up and put a hand over his heart in mock disapproval. “I am shocked at you.”

            Nico sat back up and crossed his arms. “Is this how you talk to your friends?”

            Will smirked and mimicked Nico’s pose. “Why don’t you find out?”

            Nico’s heart skipped a beat in his chest, and his eyes widened. “What?” He did just fine interacting with Will. That was more than enough social interaction to sustain him for weeks on end. Regardless, he was still convinced that the other campers hated him. At the very least, they were scared of him. That much was undeniable. And as his anxiety threatened to bubble over, Nico closed his eyes. He couldn’t choose being a son of Hades or how powerful he was. But he could choose what he did. He had to start learning to choose.

            “They’re all very intrigued by you, Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome,” Will said, though Nico could see fear fluttering back and forth in his eyes.

            “Okay,” Nico said. He resisted the urge to turn away from Will so he wouldn’t see his reaction.

            Will’s eyes got big. “You’re kidding?”

            “No,” Nico mumbled. “I guess I have to prove everything you’ve ever told them about me wrong, so…”

            Will sputtered out a laugh and slapped Nico on the arm. “I guess your theme of the day is that I’m such a big liar, huh?”

            With a smile, Nico looked up at Will. “I guess it is.” He reached out and took Will’s hand in his own, which was feeling less cold than usual.

            As Will blinked and smiled at him, the skin under his freckles reddening with a blush, Nico knew he had made the right choice. For once, he hadn’t let his own fears dictate his actions. The instability he fought to hide every day, lest his powers get out of control and hurt someone, was his to master.

            In his mind’s eye, he could see the fissure sealing up. Not tremendously, but a little bit. And wasn’t that how progress was made? He had never believed it was possible to heal because he had never considered that anyone else was at fault except for Percy. But maybe he wasn’t half bad if someone like Will liked him. Perhaps the choices he had made in the past weren’t as wrong as he had thought they were.

            Will had once tried to explain the nature of healing to him as they were bandaging up a younger camper’s bloodied knee. He described the way it made him feel in his body, the thoughts he had, and Nico still struggled to understand. But as his skin tingled where Will’s met his and his stomach fluttered, Nico began to see what Will meant. This was healing. Little by little, it was healing.


End file.
